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Love Bytes Tip #5: Keep Others Out

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The genesis of this series written by me and the husband unit is this post right here. We decided to co-blog for one month to get to the heart (pun intended) of the communication breakdown in our marriage. It is as much therapy for us as it is advice for other married/partnered couples.

Read Love Bytes Tip #1

Read Love Bytes Tip #2
Read Love Bytes Tip #3
Read Love Bytes Tip #4

This week's tip for the Men:

One of the biggest mistakes I see committed in marriages is couples talking about their problems with outsiders. A couple equals two people. There is no good reason to invite third parties into the mix unless they are professional counselors or mediators. A marriage can quickly become crowded! It's especially troubling when a husband takes his complaints to someone else. I'm not saying that you can't let off some steam with the guys or seek the advice of a trusted confidante, but whatever issues you are having should be raised with your wife first and should be worked out between the two of you. I learned this from watching Damon. He is like the Fort Knox of husbands. The most intimate details, deepest secrets and treasured experiences of our marriage are locked in his vault. I never have to worry about having a member of his family reporting something he told them about us back to me. People will try to interfere in your marriage either with genuine intentions (they just want to help) or ulterior motives (like getting dirt to gossip). Be careful about who you let in the circle. You have to treat your marriage like an exclusive club where very few get inside. Remember, what God has joined together, let no man put asunder. This includes your mama, your sibling, your best friend, your boss, your secretary, your barber, your personal trainer, your mailman...you get the picture.

This week's tip for the Women:
It's pretty easy for most guys to be a vault. For the most part, our conversations with our buddies tend to focus on the four F's (food, football, females, and fishing). That being said, I would encourage wives to ask for their husbands to open up. Now, while it is absolutely important to talk with your spouse about relationship issues first, it's also important to share you trials and tribulations with friends who may be going through something similar - especially for men. Knowing that you are not the only guy facing marital, or other, issues can be a great comfort (although we guys don't always admit that we need "emotional comfort"). It is not productive for either the man or the woman in the relationship to keep their feelings bottled up. So ladies, please encourage your men to share - not for advice, but to know that you are not alone. Knowing that we are all going through a similar experience makes the bumpy parts of this crazy life a little more palatable.


Debbie said...

This is great advice! Once you start airing problems to others, they multiply.

Kimberly Grabinski said...

I totally believe that you should not share your problems with others. Complaining about your spouse or telling others about what goes on is a sure way to create NEW problems.

Maureensk said...

I have to say that my best girlfriend and I discuss some of our marital issues. We've been best friends for 15 years, however, and neither of us have ever done more than be there to listen to each other. We have very different marriages (as does everyone) and know that we couldn't give each other advice, as a result. Neither my hubby or I share stuff with our families (except good stuff of course). I do have to say that my hubby's sister has been a major thorn in our marriage, since before we even got married 20 years ago! The closest that I have come to divorcing him has been just so I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. Sad, I know...

Se'lah said...

communication is definitely key in any relationship...and even more so in marriages where you are so intimate. Knowing when to exercise discretion is also important.

great post. one love.

Darcel said...

I like this....I agree it is so important to keep other people out of your marriage.
When things go wrong you want to run and tell everyone, but then things are right and people can't stand your spouse!

Unknown said...

Great comments everybody! The people you told about your problems will still hold grudges long after you and your spouse have made up. Discretion is crucial.

Help! Mama Remote... said...

Great tips!!!!I'm glad my husband is the same way as for keeping our businees in our house. As well as encouraging other married couples for the benefit of helping them, is a great point.

Anonymous said...

Here! Here! or is it Hear! Hear! (?) Either way, you guys are right. I grew up in a household where communication was optional and no one ever knew what was going on. My husbands family was more like "What's going on? Oh I've gotta go tell someone so someone else can know what's going on with me." And therein lies the reason that when I was in labor with my son, he felt the need to tell all his buddies "Yeah, she's 3 centimeters dilated." like it was something as easy to talk about like he was ordering chinese food.

His vault is rarely bolted shut....but I still love him...

My best, Lynn

Mel Creates Often said...

I came across your blog at mommy moment. My daughter is named Marlee, so that drew me in. Then, I read this post from you and your husband. What an amazing idea! I enjoyed the advice.


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