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Gone Baby Gone

Thursday, February 17, 2011

On February 13th I took a pregnancy test and got a BFP (big fat positive in conception lingo).

It wasn't a planned pregnancy so we were surprised and thrilled. By my calculations, we were 6 weeks along.

Damon nicknamed him Baby X which I thought sounded like the love child of Malcolm X, but I was kind of digging the name Malcolm so I went with it (I just knew our baby was a boy). Marlie and Malcolm had a nice ring to it.

We started discussing car seats and cloth diaprs and all the baby gear we'd have to repurchase since I sold almost all our stuff at consignment.

We were on cloud 9, then it all came crashing back to Earth a few days later.

First came the doctor's visit on Tuesday during which the OB discovered mild bleeding. I chose to believe everything was going to be okay. I was in so much denial.

Then the cramping came and the flow. I couldn't hold onto hope any longer. Our baby was gone.

It all happened so fast. One day we were filled with joy and anticipation. And then poof...it all disappeared.

I understand that this is nature's will, but that doesn't mitigate the trauma.
I feel like I have been side-swiped. I'm pretty much numb from shock right now.

I have all these weird thoughts running through my head like,
what went wrong? Was is the medication I was taking for my auto-immune disorder? Was it the three glasses of wine I drank on Super Bowl Sunday? Was it that nasty 48-hour bug I came down with on Monday?

When I am not torturing myself trying to figure out the "why", I have paranoid thoughts about Marlie. If this is the level of pain I feel for a child I didn't get to meet, what would happen if I loss Marlie? Surely, I would die from grief.

If it wasn't for Marlie, I'd curl up in bed and cry all day. She is keeping me going. I'm just going to channel what little energy I have on taking care of her.

I'm hitting the pause button on everything else, including blogging. Just until I get my bearings. I promise to respond to all well wishes and visit my cyber buddies upon my return.

I need some time to deal with the fact that our baby is gone.

45 comments:

Maureen said...

Oh Teresha! I am so sorry for your loss! I'll be sending good thoughts and prayers your way, though you deserve and need time to grieve right now. This baby was a part of you and always will have a claim to part of your heart.

Josefine said...

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Nichol said...

I am so sorry for you loss. Hugs to you and you family.

Harlem Minded said...

Sending big hugs and prayers in your direction!

Alexia said...

Oh darling. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. It is so hard to fathom the pain you are in.

There are a million+ things that have to go right to make a baby and a billion+ things that have to go right to make a healthy child. It wasn't the fault of anything you did or didn't do. That child will come back to you when it is the right time.

Until then please take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. So many of us experience this loss. Also please take comfort in your perfect little girl and know that she will have a little brother or sister one of these days.

Sending much love and prayers across the country to you my friend.

CurlyKye said...

Saying a prayer for both you and hubby!

always4evamoi said...

oh girl. im here in tears reading about your loss. sending you big hugs. *sqqqquuuueeezzzzeeeeee*
take the time you need but pls don't beat yourself up about it too much. we are here for you. hugs again.

navelgazingbajan said...

<> I'm so sorry for your loss. Take all the time you need to take of yourself and your family. Sending positive thoughts your way.

Flying Giggles and Lollipops said...

I am so sorry to hear about your families loss! Time will heal, take as much time as you need. And do know that if you need anything, I am here for you! You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Painter Mommy said...

Oh sweety, I am so sorry. My prayers are with you and your family. Hugs to you.

DAWN

Rumbletiger said...

I'm so sorry to read this news. I can totally relate as well. (((((big hugs))))) Take all the time you need.

AccidentalMommy said...

I'm so sorry.

I say this from the experience of having been there.

We have an "angel bear" in the corner of our family room that we have to remember our first child.

Time doesn't heal this pain completely. Cherish what you have, mourn your loss.

Some people won't understand...sadly.

As for "why" I found strength in a song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBX9v2iYiYQ

If you can find a clean version, it's 'Glory Baby' by Watermark

You know where to find me if you need ANYTHING.

Jen (Mama Schell) said...

I am so, very, very sorry...and unfortunately, I too understand how this feels. But know, that in time it will get better. Just try not to get stuck in the "why's" because you will never get the answer. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. <>

Kathleen said...

I just wanted to say that I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!

Marianna said...

i am so sorry for your loss.

Brandy Nelson said...

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband and I suffered through 3 miscarriages before being blessed with our babies, so I know how awful that kind of loss feels. I will keep you in my prayers! Hang in there, and take care of eachother.
Brandy

mommy23monkeys said...

((HUGS)) I'm so sorry for your loss.

Alison said...

I am so sorry for your loss!

Haasiegirl said...

im really sorry for your loss :(

trisha
momdot

Jessica said...

I wanted to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!

Hil'Lesha said...

~HUGS~

Karen said...

I am just so sorry. To me, it doesn't matter if your child has been born or not, it is still your child, you still had hopes and dreams for them, and you still grieve over them. hugs to you, dear.

Julie (thelittlekitchen.net) said...

I'm so sorry...I can't even imagine what you're going through. My thoughts are with you.

Linda @ My Trendy Tykes said...

I am so sorry to hear (hugs)

kasandria said...

So sorry for your loss. ((HUGS))
Kas

Jennifer-Eighty MPH Mom said...

I am so, so sorry...I can't begin to imagine how disappointing that must be. Big hugs to you...

Simply Being Mommy said...

Oh no! I am so very sorry for your loss. {{hugs}}

Katie said...

I am so very sorry for your loss.

chantal said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for you. Take care and stay strong.

Texas Type A Mom said...

Oh honey, I am so sorry for your loss. I know how devastating it is to lose a baby. I miscarried in December (also thought it was a boy) and my daughter and husband are what got me through. I'm here if you want to talk...

Jenn said...

I am so sorry for you loss. I can only imagine what you must be feeling. {{hugs}} to you and your family.

Shop with Me Mama said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I am in tears for you :( I just experienced my third loss in January :( It is sooo hard. You are in my thoughts and prayers sweetie..

♥Sugar♥Plum♥Fairy♥ said...

Teresha, im very sorry about this , i cant say i know how it feels ,coz im nit a mom yet , but still i know.
I hope for u that strength and peace that only God can give , and for Romans 8.28 to become alive and with meaning in this really sad time!
Take all the time and rest and care , u need it !
Will be waiting for u with love!
U know , i dont know if this will help , but my mom lost her 3rd child , a boy , and we talk about him as our 3rd little brother or little boy aas we call him , we know he's an angel up there and someday we shall meet him!
U and Marlie and ur hubby will too,someday!

♥Sugar♥Plum♥Fairy♥ said...

That was not a mom yet , not ,nit , sorry!

Darcel said...

I'm so so very sorry. I don't know what else to say. Prayers for you and your family. *hugs*
We will be here when you return.

Lynn said...

Take our hands Teresha and we'll cry with you. Don't go it alone. You go and take care of your mind, body, and soul. I know you are religious, so take this to God in prayer and lean upon him more than anything now. He will help you up. Hugs and kisses and tears, thoughts, and prayers are with you my dear.

My best, Lynn

Kim said...

I'm so sorry to hear about this my friend. I know that feeling of unexpected joy. I hope this will bring you some sense of purpose for what you want in your future. I hope you take the time to heal and nurture yourself. Hugs!

Quiana said...

Teresha, I haven't stopped by in a while and was devastated to read this. I'm so sorry. I'm glad you have your husband and Marlie to be with you during this time and I'll be praying for you.

The Mommyologist said...

I am so so sorry!! Thinking of you and sending hugs and prayers your way!

Mrs. K said...

God Bless you and your family Teresha. I know that there are no words I can say to ease your pain from your loss but I will pray for you that God will comfort you guys :)

MedeirosATL said...

So sorry to hear about your loss Teresha. I know that no one can understand quite how you feel, but many women (myself included) have been where you are. Know that you aren't alone in spending some time grieving.

Stesha said...

I'm so sorry. Know that this community will be here when you return.

Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha

Alicia@ Mommy Delicious said...

Oh my gosh! I am so sorry that you had to experience that. It must be incredibly hard to deal with right now. It's never easy to deal with loss, to grieve. I am praying for you and your family that you will make it through this time.

Take all the time you need, Lovely. This community will be right HERE when you get back. xoxo

Help! Mama Remote... said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. YOu are in my prayers.

Tooje said...

When I saw your "thank you" post about this, I had to searching for what I missed.

Teresha, I am so sorry to hear this. I know how you feel, though. I wasn't as transparent to put my experience on the blog, although I wish I would be sometimes. I wish I had the guts to admit all the truths of my life, to everyone reading, and to feel cleansed by doing so. I'm not that strong yet.

We had a miscarriage before we were pregnant with Owen, and it was the same as yours, nearly. We knew we were right away, at 4 weeks or so. I went around knowing I was pregnant for 2 weeks, and the day of my first OB appointment at 6 weeks along, I started bleeding. Mildly at first, and then a bit more. At the doctor's office I had the largest discharge and knew. I just knew, and they did an ultrasound to confirm there was no longer a sac.

I had been so nervous for 2 weeks knowing we were pregnant that when it came to no longer be, I wasn't prepared for the flood of sadness that hit me. For two days, it hit me and I cried. I cried and cried. And then knew how lucky we were to have Turner. 3 months later, we were pregnant with Owen.

Maybe we needed those 3 months...who knows. Life is strange.

I hope by sharing stories, you feel less alone, less sad, and that compassion is coming through the keyboard. I know I'm late to this post, but I couldn't pass without saying to you that we are indeed lucky. We are lucky women.

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