What got me asking this question started with the May 21, 2012 issue of TIME magazine featuring a model-mom breastfeeding her 3-year-old son with the confrontational title, "Are You Mom Enough?" The inflammatory cover sparked a heated debate across the world wide web and most of the flames ignited in the mommy blogosphere. While there were calls to be civil and not to play into the "mommy wars," there was a sinister aspect to some of the reactions that was largely overlooked, except by Alexia at Babies and Bacon who called it out immediately. Smart lady.
I am talking about comments that ranged from, "that poor boy is going to be teased relentlessly" to "that kid will never be able to show his face on a playground!" One mother left a comment on a blog that her son said something to this effect when he saw the magazine photo. It struck me as odd that a mother would use her son's ill-informed reaction as an argument to justify her beef with the magazine cover, but what really rubbed me the wrong way that she obviously agreed with him and said nothing in her post about correcting him. In essence, she condoned his belief that it's okay to pick on people with different lifestyle choices. People, people, people...teasing is bullying.
This mother missed an opportunity to teach her son a valuable lesson about tolerance, one that is essential to our kids character development and goes a long way toward preventing bullying. The lesson is that some people look, act, think different from us and that is okay. We don't have to like it, but we do have to respect it. I imagined conversations about that TIME magazine cover between parents and their children taking place in hundreds, even thousands, of households and I wonder how many of the adults made comments ridiculing the mother and son in the photo. Children get their first social cues from their parents and imitate them. All the anti-bullying programs in the world will not work unless the mindset change is also happening in the home.
There is some old-fashioned way of thinking that undermines our ability to solve the bullying epidemic (and, yes, it's become an epidemic when victims of bullying are committing suicide at alarming rates). One belief is that teasing is just kids being kids and it's a harmless rite of passage. This could not be further from the truth. Believe me, words can hurt just as much as a fist. The emotional scars from being teased are real and take a long time to heal.
The next time you have a witty barb or backhanded compliment on the tip of your tongue ready to make fun of someone stop and think about the message you are sending to your kids. We must do better so that our kids will know better. Parents have the real power to put an end to bullying.
Most other bloggers have posted there new year's resolutions. But I am a non-conformist and I don't do resolutions, which is why I didn't post anything as the last decade came to a close (actually the decade ended in 2009, but 2010 has the number 10 in it and there are 10 years in a decade. plus it sounds right to say the decade ended in 2010). I'm off on tangents again. Back to what I was saying...
I still feel the need to offer something in the way of great expectations for this year. Something for me look forward to, something to light the fire under my ever-expanding bum, something to look back on and say, "I was right!" So, I present my predictions for 2011 (which are not the same as resolutions):
I predict I will lose 10 pounds and get back to my ideal weight of 125 lbs before Spring. Maybe I might even shed more weight in less time.
I predict I will have my blog redesigned
I predict that I will get a Canon Rebel T2i, relearn photography and join a shutterbug club
I predict I will return to the workforce doing a job that combines my former experience in community service with my new skills in social media
I predict that I will have an awesome 35th birthday
I predict that I will be a published literary author
I predict that I Cory Monteith (play Finn on GLEE) will be cast as Clark Kent in the new Superman remake. He has that smoldering hunk hidden beneath an endearing, dorky exterior thing down pat. He could bring the right combo of cheesy and charm to the film.
It was the currency of our formative years, especially on the playground. If your foot didn't connect with the ball during a high-stakes game of kickball or you messed up your turn at the ropes in double dutch you just yelled, "do-over!"
As we got older we learned that there were no do-overs in life, no take-backs. Are there moments in my life that I would go back and do over if I had the chance? Surprisingly, no...and I'll tell you why. I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe everything that I have experienced shaped who I am today and who I am meant to be. Like the Butterfly Effect, if I were to change even a single life event then I would not be the wife and mother I am now. I would not risk my life with Damon and Marlie to erase any of the hurts, headaches, or heartbreaks. Every mistake I made has brought me to this point and I wouldn't undo any of it. I think this song by Faith Evans pretty much sums it up...
One of my sorority sisters and her friend sang Spend My Life With You as I walked down the aisle at my wedding. As the saying goes, "they put their foot in it." I think everyone in the church got goose bumps. I know I did.
I spent a lot of time searching for our wedding song. It was not easy considering that the most popular "love" song at the time was Let's Just Get Married (otherwise known as We Might As Well Do It). When Eric Benet released this single I knew we had our song. It was so unbelievably good and it underscored our commitment to spend our lives together. I wanted our witnesses to know that we were in it for the long haul, not just for the wedding day. It was the perfect song for our wedding day...for our marriage. We just celebrated our 10th anniversary last week! I still get chills when this song comes on the radio.
At work, even among my circle of friends, I was known for going the extra mile. If you needed help sealing 1000 envelopes for a fundraiser or a ride to the airport...I was your gal. I prided myself on being reliable, the person people turned to when they needed a favor.
But my spirit of generosity was often taken advantage of and I would feel used. This feeling would give way to anger at the user, but I was really mad at myself for giving a mile when I should have gave an inch.
Becoming a mother has taught me how to set reasonable boundaries. Marlie is at that stage where she is trying to assert control. I am learning the balance between letting her have some leeway to explore (her learning) and letting her have her own way (me surrendering). There is a difference and it's a fine line to walk. For instance, Marlie is putting everything in her mouth. This is normal infant behavior. I usually don't stop her unless she picks up something that is dangerous. She recently got hold of a pen off my desk. She wailed when I took it away. I was tempted to give it back so she'd stop crying (mama guilt!). Instead I say no and stuck to my guns even though it pained me to see her in tears (she has big, wet ones too). I guess this why they say, "this hurts me than it hurts you."
I see this phase a dress rehearsal for the bigger standoffs that are ahead such as, "Mommy, can I go to my friend's co-ed sleepover?" Hell-to-the-No! See? Practice makes perfect!
I am thinking of extending this practice of saying no to some of my other relationships with family and friends.
You want borrow $500? N-O! You want me to make 4 dozen cupcakes at the last minute for a bake sale? N-O! You want to stay at my house indefinitely while you job hunt? N-O!
Do you know what is in your baby's food? Ignorance is not bliss...
We decided long before Marlie was born to make her baby food when she was ready for solids. This decision was made for both economical and health reasons. It truly is less expensive to make than to buy baby food, but most importantly it is so much better for babies to eat natural foods that are fresh and whole in nutrients. Still, I never knew how superior in quality our homemade food was to store-bought until Damon came across this report Cheating Babies: Nutritional Quality and Cost of Commercial Baby Food. I encourage you to read it.
I am outraged that there are commercial baby food brands marketing what is essentially fillers and water as wholesome, nutritious "food." As consumers, we are so brainwashed by slick advertising slogans and images that we don't question what is really in those jars plastered with pictures of cute, chubby babies. Why would we though? We TRUST these brands! Meanwhile, we shell out top dollar because we believe that we are providing a quality product that will help our little one grow and thrive. Only the best for our babies, right?!
The food industry has really gotten out of hand (the real problem is that it is controlled by a handful of multi-national companies, but that is another post. Go watch Food Inc. and then we'll talk). Parents, we have to wake up! Think of processed baby food as a gateway drug. The sugars and salts used in the majority of commercial baby food brands train our kids to crave more sugary and salty foods and sets them up for to a host of childhood health issues such as obesity and diabetes. That's how drug dealers get addicts hooked!
We have to take back control of our children's diets. The first step is to educate ourselves about what is in the food we serve them and then make better choices. I realize that were are society that is little on time and big on convenience. But the long-term health risks for our young people far outweighs the benefits of convenience food. Here are some things you can do start changing the way you and your family eats for the better:
make baby food in batches on the weekend and freeze in ice cube trays. Thaw as needed
reduce the amount of sugars, salts and refined carbohydrates consumed (sodas, desserts, frozen dinners)
shop on the outer perimeter at the grocery store. That's usually where the best quality food is located (fresh produce and meats, dairy, bulk items like oats and nuts)
plan your family's meals ahead of time to avoid having to stop at a drive-thru on the way home
I think the return on investment is worth it...healthy, happy kids!
Yesterday was the beginning of Lent. Lent is a time to reflect on the 40 days Jesus spent in the wilderness. In remembrance, Christians are supposed to "fast" for 40 days; the process of self-denial is meant to be a symbolic act of recommitting to our faith. Instead of going without all food or drink, we pledge to give up one thing for the 40-day period. I like to think of it as a spiritual cleansing. I used to look forward to Lent, but this year I dreaded (even resented) its coming. As a new mommy, I honestly feel like I've given up enough this year to last 10 seasons of Lent! I deserve an exemption just this once. To prove my case, here is a short list of the stuff I have sacrificed during the past 365 days:
alcohol (I didn't imbibe often, but I did enjoy a glass of Riesling on occasion) body parts (abs, breasts, va-jay-jay) dairy (no yogurt, no pizza, no cream cheese frosting cupcakes...need I say more?) IQ points (I feel stupider, doh!) job (I never thought I'd miss earning a paycheck, until I didn't have one) social life (no one told me how hard it is to maintain friendships once you start having kids) sleep (the main reason for this grumpy post) spontaneous sex (the other reason for this grumpy post) time (as in, time for anything)
Isn't it weird how having a child can can fill you up and leave you feeling empty at the same time? I have tried to overcome these feelings by telling myself that my sacrifices are worth it. I have a healthy, beautiful baby girl who gives me plenty of unconditional love. But guess what? Mama needs more to feel whole. I'm afraid that if I give up one more thing that I will completely fall apart. So, I'm passing on Lent this year. Somehow I know Jesus will forgive me...
I began to take things for granted as I got older. The adult me zipped through life on autopilot while the substance of time passed me by. How did the effortless consideration of my youth get replaced with chronic neglectfulness in my mature years?
I can't recall the exact moment that I began to slip, but around age 27 it felt like I was going through the motions. I was busy (too busy) tackling my lengthy list of personal and professional goals. College. Check. Career. Check. Marriage. Check. Graduate School. Check. Travel. Check. Baby. Maybe later. Launch a volunteer-run girls organization. Check. Well, that last one wasn't on my list of goals, but I did it anyway despite an already overflowing plate. It was so crowded that I couldn't taste the fruits of my labor. I didn't chew on life, I just gobbled it up and always felt dissatisfied. In reality, I was simply being ungrateful.
Looking back, I realize that I missed out on the good stuff by not savoring each accomplishment before moving on to the next. There were other repercussions...I forgot my third wedding anniversary and loved ones' birthdays, I didn't make time to speak to my favorite cousin before he died, I experienced a health scare. Yet, these events only gave me enough pause to slap a Band-aid on then resume chugging along with blatant disregard that I needed time to make amends, grieve, and heal.
The one thing that could slow me down was the one thing I put off...motherhood. I became a mother at age 33 and finally pumped the brakes. I vowed to de-clutter my life to make room for new one coming along. In the process, I learned the true meaning of being still. My daughter has restored my appreciation for the fullness of life. It's refreshing to see the world through her eyes because, to her, everything is something new. When I watch her try to catch water from the faucet during bath time or stare in fascination at a stream of sunlight coming through the window, I am reminded to give thanks for my many blessings. This essay is my submission for The MyBrownBaby Beautiful Mind Writing Contest. Follow the link for information on how to enter.
I am late to 2011.
He has that smoldering hunk hidden beneath an endearing, dorky exterior thing down pat. He could bring the right combo of cheesy and charm to the film.
I've always had a problem with saying no.
