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Love Bytes Tip #2: Say It and Do It!

Friday, February 4, 2011

The genesis of this series written by me and the husband unit is this post right here. We decided to co-blog for one month to get to the heart (pun intended) of the communication breakdown in our marriage. It is as much therapy for us as it is advice for other married/partnered couples.

Read Love Bytes Tip #1
Enter Here to win your own set of SHMILY Coins, a unique way to show your loved one how you feel! Giveaway ends tonight.

This week's tip for the Men:

It's spelled out right there in your wedding vows when the minister asked whether you'd take her as your wife in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, etc... and then told you to say I do. When it comes to love in marriage, you have to say it as well as do it (go ahead and snicker). Yes actions speak louder than words, but we also need to hear you speak love in a meaningful way, and I don't mean just saying I love you...that is too easy! The right words can offer reassurance when we are feeling less than sexy, prompt forgiveness when we are cross with you, and put a us in the mood even if we "have a headache."
Don't be lazy. Dig deep and come up with some verbal adoration that will melt our hearts. One of the most amazing declarations of love I ever heard was on Scrubs when Turk toasted Carla at their rehearsal dinner by saying that he saw their future when he looked at her. Now that's poetry in motion!

This week's tip for the Women:

Simply put, love is a verb. How do you love your spouse? Someone has said it better, so I will let Stephen Covey say it for me. From The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey:
  • “My wife and I just don’t have the same feelings for each other that we used to have. I guess I just don’t love her anymore, and she doesn’t love me. What can I do?”
  • “The feeling isn’t there anymore?” [Covey]
  • “That’s right,” the man affirmed “and we have three children we’re really concerned about. What do you suggest?”
  • “Love her,” [Covey]
  • “I told you, the feeling just isn’t there anymore.”
  • “Love her.” [Covey]
  • “You don’t understand. The feeling of love just isn’t there.”
  • “Then love her. If the feeling isn’t there, that’s a good reason to love her.” [Covey]
  • “But how do you love when you don’t love?”
  • “My friend, love is a verb. Love – the feeling – is a fruit of love the verb. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?” [Covey]
In the great literature of all progressive societies, love is a verb. Reactive people make it a feeling. They’re driven by feelings. Hollywood has generally scripted us to believe that we are not responsible, that we are a product of our feelings. But the Hollywood script does not describe the reality. If our feelings control our actions, it is because we abdicated our responsibility and empowered them to do so. Proactive people make love a verb, Love is something you do: the sacrifice you make, the giving of self, like a mother bringing a newborn into the world. If you want to study love, study those who sacrifice for others, even for people who offend or do not love in return. If you are a parent, look at the love you have for the children you sacrificed for. Love is a value that is actualized through loving actions. Proactive people subordinate feelings to values. Love, the feeling, can be recaptured.”

6 comments:

Kim said...

What a great post Teresha. I do believe love is a verb too. And you do your daughter a service by living this example. There are far too many young girls thinking that someone is going to save them, be their other half and all that nonsense. Marriage is work and not a feeling. What a beautiful pic of you and your husband!

Help! Mama Remote... said...

You are both right on target! Wonderful post Teresha!Only a month?! I think I'm going to need continual doses from the marriage drs. :)

AccidentalMommy said...

"Pullin' out my big black book

'Cause when I need a word defined that's where I look

So I move to the L's quick, fast, in a hurry

Threw on my specs, thought my vision was blurry
------------------------

I looked again but to my dismay

It was black and white with no room for gray

Ya see, a big V stood beyond my word

And yo that's when it hit me, that luv is a verb
--------------------------------

Words come easy but don't mean much

When the words they're sayin' we can't put trust in

We're talkin' 'bout love in a different light

And if we all learn to love it would be just right
-------------------
Hey, tell me, haven't ya heard? Luv is a serious word

Hey, I think it's time ya learned

I don't care what they say, I don't care care what ya heard

The word luv, luv is a verb"

DC Talk

That song kept going through my head as I read your post!

Lynn said...

Wow you two are killing it with this marriage counseling thing you've got going on. I absolutely love this. I love when a good topic meets good writing and results in a beautiful literary birth. More please! :o)

My best, Lynn
*oh, and I completely agree with the both of you, and want to make my husband read this post too.

Maureen said...

Good food for thought Damon! I think it is also true for other relationships, such as parents, siblings, children. Sometimes you don't ever want to see them again, then you have to love them. Something I need to work on...

The Mommyologist said...

Coming over from SITS Weekend sharefest and I'm so glad that you were the commenter before me over there. This is a GREAT post. Marriage is so hard, and I know that my husband and I have trouble showing each other love sometimes. I really need to remember that love is a verb, and that I have to make an effort to show him how much I appreciate him.

Thank you for writing this!

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