I am the spoon

Source: iguana_nirvana14 under Creative Commons License

I have been struggling lately. I have been struggling badly.

Everything is a fight. I fight to get out of bed. I fight get through the day. 

I also fight with my husband and 3 year-old. 

I decided enough was enough. I am exhausted from holding onto to this pain. Mostly, I am deathly afraid that I am damaging my kids with my depression and fits of anger. I decided it was time to face my demons. 

 I had my first therapy appointment on Sunday. It was a revelation. She is not a therapist from the school of psychology/psychiatry. She is a spiritual healer, which is a laymen term for allopathic practitioner. She works with the body's energy field to stimulate awareness and promote healing. 

My first session was incredible. I learned so much about why I feel so shitty. In a nutshell, having kids brought up all the negative feelings I had swept under a giant rug. When I gave birth to my children, I also pushed out these suppressed emotions. While this theory was not an epiphany, her approach to addressing my problems was refreshing. I felt understood, safe, un-judged.

I left feeling hopeful that I could reclaim my life. I also left with homework. I like homework because it forces me to practice what I am learning, and what I am learning is that the spoon does not bend, I have to bend. I am the spoon.

One of the assignments is to list 10 things I was to do for myself in the next month and try to do at least one of them each day. So, in an effort to hold myself accountable I am going to write them on my blog and you all can keep tabs on me:

1. Finishing reading a book
2. Go for a walk by myself at least once a week
3. Brush and floss my teeth everyday
4. Drink a cup of tea before bed
5. Buy new clothes so I can discard my maternity clothes
6. Apply for a job and not get disappointed if I'm not contacted for an interview 
7. Plan a girlfriends getaway
8. Get a Mani/Pedi
9. Reinstate spa Friday
10. Pray

Review: The Ultimate Yogi

I think I've mentioned that I am training to walk the Oakland Marathon in March. I'm doing it in part to lose the pregnancy weight, but also to cross an item off my bucket list (complete a marathon). 

I am quickly learning that training to walk a long distance race is just as challenging as training to run it. I have already suffered two minor injuries (a sprain in my lower back and a hamstring pull). I saw a massage therapist who diagnosed the problem as a lack of proper stretching. My husband Damon suggested that I do yoga for the pain and to prevent future problems. In the back of my mind I knew he was right, but I resisted because with the little time I have to train I felt I should be doing Insanity or P90X to build strength and endurance.

Then I saw an opportunity to try The Ultimate Yogi and signed up for the both of us since he is really into yoga. Developed by yoga teacher Travis Eliot, The Ulitmate Yogi is a 108-day whole-lifestyle transformation. Everything you need is contained in a boxed DVD set that includes 12 yoga classes on discs, a training guide, a program calendar, nutrition plan and a short instructional video that demonstrates several key poses. You will have purchase some accessories like a yoga mat, block, and rug if you don't already have these.

For a busy mom like me it's important that I know how long any exercise class is so I can budget that time and plan accordingly. It was weird not to find this information written anywhere on The Ultimate Yogi DVDs or in the program guide. Maybe this part of the plan to free the mind, but I don't have a lot of free time and this information would be helpful. That being said, the program is feasible for moms (and dads). I schedule my workouts during nap time.

CrossTrain is the first workout in the program (it is around 1 hour and 5 minutes long, plus of 18 minutes of HardCORE and 10 minutes of meditation=roughly 1.5 hours total workout time for Day 1). I must say Travis is an excellent teacher (and easy on the eyes). Instead of showing off his skills he uses his reassuring voice to walk you through each pose and he paces the classroom correcting students so that you can learn proper form. 

About 15 minutes in we started to feel the burn, sweat, and breath harder. Damon and I disagree on whether you  need prior yoga experience to do this workout. I say you should be able to pick it up relatively quickly, but always consult a doctor before starting a new exercise regimen. We both agreed that it is an ultimate workout. I will be ready to power walk that marathon after using The Ulimtate Yogi!

What I really like about The Ultimate Yogi is that it combines the gentle elements of traditional yoga like deep stretching, breathing, and meditation with the physical intensity of a beach body workout. Each day of the program is designed to put your mind, body and spirit through boot camp. This is not your mother's yoga!


Buy It: Click the Banner Ad above to purchase The Ultimate Yogi  for $108 (plus tax and $14.99 S&H) and get started on transforming you! Use coupon code "LaborDay" for 20% off. Expires September 24.

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Desmond's Birth Story

They say each childbirth is different for a mom. So true. Marlie's birth was stressful thanks to a cold midwife and last minute transport from the birthing center to the hospital. I still delivered her naturally, but the labor was traumatic in many ways I wouldn't process until later. I didn't know what to expect with my second as I prepared for the challenge of having a natural childbirth in a hospital again. It could not have gone more beautifully if I had scripted it myself. I'm thinking of writing a separate post on how I achieved a drug-free birth in a hospital, but for now, I'll focus on his birth story. I want to thank my birth coaches (Damon, Jenni, and Val) for their support and filling in the blanks...

It all started at 1:48 am on Sunday, April 1st. I was awakened by a contraction and immediately knew it wasn't of the Braxton Hicks variety. It wasn't painful, but it was definitely more than just pressure. I laid in bed to see what would happen. Two more contractions followed within the hour. I tapped Damon's shoulder and let him know that this could be it. He asked me what we should do. I told him we should probably go back to sleep because it could be awhile before things pick up. But I couldn't go back to sleep, so I went downstairs and watched TV while timing the contractions. By 5:00 am they were closer, about 10 minutes apart, but only lasting for 20 seconds. Marlie woke up to use the bathroom around this time, and I went up to help her then put her back to bed. She came downstairs an hour later and we snuggled on the couch. The contractions stopped. Just like that. I must have unconsciously sent a signal to my body that I had to take care of my little girl first.

Damon joined us downstairs shortly thereafter and started working on breakfast. I decided to go for a walk to see if I could get things moving. I wasn't crazy about the idea of delivering on April Fool's Day, but I knew better than to waste precious contractions. I didn't want to be in labor for days! I grabbed my iPod and headed out the door. On the way back I ran into my natural childbirth counselor. I told her I started having contractions earlier that morning, but they had stopped and I was trying to kick-start them again. She commented on how beautiful I looked walking. I really did feel beautiful and peaceful and confident, like I knew everything was going to work out. I arrived back home around 8:00 am, had breakfast and then this sudden urge to clean. I stripped the beds and washed the linens. I cleaned the bathroom. By noon the contractions started again. They were about 30 minutes apart and didn't interfere with my activities. They started getting closer around three in the afternoon, but weren't longer than 15-20 seconds. I remember getting annoyed at this point. I tried to take a nap, but was too riled up. As dinnertime approached, they started to feel more intense, closer, longer. I was sure we were cooking this time! I called my volunteer birth coaches Jenni and Val and told them to be on standby. Damon began getting Marlie ready for bed. I tried to remain calm and time the contractions. I willed each one to come quicker and last longer than 30 seconds. Jenni called around 8:00 pm to see what was going on. I was so disappointed to tell her that they were holding steady at 15 minutes apart and 30 seconds long and not going anywhere. She asked if I wanted them to come over and go for a walk. I declined. I was tired and fed up. I told her we should all go to bed and see if anything happened in the night.

I watched some TV, then headed upstairs. I took a shower and climbed into bed. The second I put my head to the pillow...BAM! The most powerful contraction I felt all day hit me. I told Damon to start timing and twelve minutes later another intense one. I told him I was going to call Jenni and Val if I had two more just like those and, sure enough, they came on strong at 30 seconds long about seven minutes apart. I placed the call to my birth coaches. They rushed over. I was bouncing on my birth ball watching Family Guy when they arrived. They immediately took charge. We sent Damon back to sleep and they got me started on walking laps around the ground floor, squatting through each contraction to open up my pelvic floor, breathing deeply and staying hydrated. The next two hours seemed to sweep by. Thanks to the workout, my contractions leaped forward. I was at 4-1-1 (contractions four minutes apart, lasting one minute each for at least an hour) in the blink of an eye. I said it was time to grab my birth bag and head out. We woke up Damon and I threw some last minute items into my bag. I called my OB who thankfully was on-call at Dallas Methodist Medical Center and said she'd meet me there. Jenni was staying to watch Marlie while Val followed behind our car. The drive over was less than five minutes, we arrived 10-15 minutes before midnight. I had two more contractions on the way to labor and delivery, one in the car and one on the elevator. I was taken from admitting by a sweet nurse who examined me (Damon and Val had to wait in the admitting area). I was 5 centimeters dilated and 80% effaced with a bulging bag! She said she had read my birth plan and was impressed. She also said she thought it was a great idea to labor at home as long as I did so I wouldn't be twiddling my thumbs at the hospital. I thanked her for being so supportive.

Damon and Val rejoined me, and I was transferred to a room in the Labor and Delivery wing. My labor nurse was equally kind and had also read my birth plan. She recited the top three: informed consent to all procedures, absolutely no drugs, and immediate skin-to-skin contact and nursing after my baby is born. It was my turn to be impressed! She said I had to take a shower with Hibiclens. I was not prepared for this. What is it with hospitals wanting to kill off all the germs? Some germs are good! I started to argue that I had already taken a shower than evening, but decided that some hot water on my back would actually feel nice. I jumped in the shower and used one of the packets of antibacterial soap to wash my body and nether regions being careful not to use too much to protect some of the flora. Then I removed the shower head and let the jet stream soothe my lower back. Suddenly, I felt a pop. I turned off the water, toweled off and stood still. Yep, my water broke and I was leaking. I quickly put on the hospital gown and came out of the bathroom announcing that my water broke. The nurse helped me into bed where I was nearly knocked over by a contraction. I could see the immediacy in her eyes. She grabbed her clipboard and started quizzing me on my medical history while another nurse ran my IV. At this point, the contractions are on top of each other and they want to know if I have diabetes?! Don't they have my records from my OB on file? Thankfully, my OB appeared at that moment. After some quick introductions and greetings, she checks me and I am 7 centimeters. Everyone continues to prep like it's going to be a little while longer, but the next contraction tells me otherwise. I could feel the baby drop into the birth canal. I tell all in the room that I am going to have to push soon, but my OB replies that I'm not even crowning yet. The next contraction sends me up on my hands and knees yelling, "I have to push!" I felt this urge to go to the bathroom. I tell them I have to make a bowel movement (what happens next is TMI so I'll move on). The next thing that happens is my OB gets behind me and exclaims that I am fully dilated (I had jumped from 7  to 10 cm in under five minutes). She asks if I am comfortable pushing in my current position and I shake my head yes. I stretch out like a cat and give one good push, then I collect my breath and push again. I hear my OB say, "the head is already out." That's my cue. I felt the "ring of fire" and pushed one more time. I felt a big release!

The next thing I hear is mewing. It was not like the great wails that Marlie cried. Then my baby is in my arms. "Here is your son," my OB says. It's 12: 47 am. Everything else fades to gray. It's just me and him. I am told later that there was lots of suctioning and massaging because he was a little limp. I don't remember that part. I just remember holding him to my bosom and getting him to latch. I was also told later that the umbilical cord was wrapped around my left leg and the nurse had to untangle it. I don't remember this either. The next thing I remember is my OB announcing that the cord had stopped pulsating and she clamped it and asked Damon if he wanted to cut it. He did. After that, my OB examined me. The placenta was sitting there, so I had to push it out. I also had a tear (again!) that needed repairing.  I refused Pitocin in my IV to help stop the bleeding so there was lots of uterine massaging and fundal pressure applied. I had to let go of Desmond so all this could get done. He went across the room to get measured and weighed (6 lbs and 11 oz, 20 inches. Bigger than Marlie, but not the 8-pounder I was anticipating). I sat in stirrups to get stitched up and drank some Red Raspberry Leaf Tea to help staunch the bleeding. My doctor gets paged for another delivery. I hug and thank her before she goes. After a couple of hours we are moved to a private room on the maternity ward.

The super awesome volunteer birth coaches.

Val had gone home by this time and it was just me, Damon and Desmond, for like a minute, then the endless parade of hospital staff started marching in. The nurse tells me that she will check on me and Desmond every two hours. She didn't say anything about the people in between...the lactation consultant, the photographer, the patient tech, housekeeping, food service, other administrative staff dropping off paperwork. They were all lovely people and very professional, but the interruptions were driving me batty. I wanted some sleep! So I started working on getting released that day. I was asked why the rush multiple times. Did I really have to explain the constant intrusions and no rest? After much lobbying and a sworn vow to the pediatrician that I would bring Desmond in first thing in the morning, we left the hospital that night and slept fitfully in our own beds.

Love 'Em With Kindness

photo credit: kk+/cc 2.0

In honor of the Dalai Lama's 75th year on this planet Se'Lah author of NECESSARY ROOM, called upon her readers to perform random acts of kindness for a day. How did yours truly do?...

• I let someone skip me in the line at the post office
• I told my sister that I'm proud of her
  
• I donated some of Marlie's blankets to help infants receiving a speech therapy in Lusaka, Zambia as part of C.L.A.S.P. International
  
• I made a contribution to a charity I randomly selected on Charity Navigator
  
• I told myself that I am a good person

“My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.” -Dalai Lama

Make kindness your religion!

What I'm Not Giving Up for Lent

Yesterday was the beginning of Lent. Lent is a time to reflect on the 40 days Jesus spent in the wilderness. In remembrance, Christians are supposed to "fast" for 40 days; the process of self-denial is meant to be a symbolic act of recommitting to our faith. Instead of going without all food or drink, we pledge to give up one thing for the 40-day period. I like to think of it as a spiritual cleansing. I used to look forward to Lent, but this year I dreaded (even resented) its coming. As a new mommy, I honestly feel like I've given up enough this year to last 10 seasons of Lent! I deserve an exemption just this once. To prove my case, here is a short list of the stuff I have sacrificed during the past 365 days:

alcohol (I didn't imbibe often, but I did enjoy a glass of Riesling on occasion)
body parts (abs, breasts, va-jay-jay)
dairy (no yogurt, no pizza, no cream cheese frosting cupcakes...need I say more?)
IQ points (I feel stupider, doh!)
job (I never thought I'd miss earning a paycheck, until I didn't have one)
social life (no one told me how hard it is to maintain friendships once you start having kids)
sleep (the main reason for this grumpy post)
spontaneous sex (the other reason for this grumpy post)
time (as in, time for anything)

Isn't it weird how having a child can can fill you up and leave you feeling empty at the same time? I have tried to overcome these feelings by telling myself that my sacrifices are worth it. I have a healthy, beautiful baby girl who gives me plenty of unconditional love. But guess what? Mama needs more to feel whole. I'm afraid that if I give up one more thing that I will completely fall apart. So, I'm passing on Lent this year. Somehow I know Jesus will forgive me...

Getting Back to the Business of ME

For the past six weeks it has been all about Marlie, but now that I have gotten into the rhythm of motherhood it's time to establish a balance between caring for her and taking care of me. So, I've started carving out some time to focus on my personal trinity...mind, body, and soul:

Mind

I have bad postpartum dementia. I walk into a room and can't remember why I went in there and forget where I put things. Did I mention that I have not seen my set of keys for two weeks?! I can't stress about it though...I have enough of that going on. I have been using spare keys to drive and open the front door. The old me would have obsessed about finding those lost keys...the old me was a Type-A, hyper-organized, neat freak and perfectionist. That is a skin I am shedding, mainly because I don't have the time or energy to fret over petty things anymore like neatly stacked and sorted mail. I am also letting go of some negative things that are cluttering my brain in order to make room for the positive memories that we are creating. I am also reading again, mostly news web sites to stay current with worldly events, and devoting more time to journaling because these activities stimulate my mind and will keep it from turning to mush.

Body

On Monday I had an appointment with ancestral hair braider Isis. She began the process of locing my hair. You like? I have one year to decide whether I like it enough to make it permanent. In the meantime, I get a break from the rigors of hair maintenance for one year...yippee! Today, I had my 6-week postpartum check-up and have been cleared to exercise. The midwife was amazed at my incredible shrinking tummy. It would probably have been even smaller if I had used my belly bandit faithfully. I used it like three times. I just couldn't get it to fit right. It always rode up because of my short torso and broad hips. I feel like my body has snapped back though. Thanks to a healthy diet and breastfeeding, I look the same as before albeit flabbier around the middle. I can't wait to activate my workout plan which has only two mandates: start slow and mix it up. I'll start with yoga and walking, then begin using my trampoline when I feel stronger, and hopefully I will be running again by the end of the year. I'm asking Santa for a jogging stroller for Christmas (hint, hint hubby!).

Soul

Giving birth to Marlie has been the most rewarding, yet emotionally draining experience of my life. There are so many conflicting feelings. Just when I began to doubt that I can do this and started second guessing myself, God sent messengers to encourage me. The first reassurance came at church on Sunday in the verses of James 3:13 in which the disciple contrasts Goldy wisdom to that of the world we live in. In her message, Pastor Courtney encouraged us to ask ourselves if we are living up to God's expectations or what society imposes upon us. The text could not have been more timely as I have been plagued by voices questioning my choices. You are familiar with my personal struggle to reconcile stay-at-home-motherhood with my internal guilt about no longer being a breadwinner and external inquiries from people about when I plan to go back to work. I shared with the congregation my belief that God had been preparing me for the most important job I will ever have and that I now know that being Marlie's mommy is enough. Saying it aloud was such an affirmation! I vowed right then to continue to work on quieting those worldly voices by praying more and seeking His wisdom. God sent me more spiritual nourishment on Monday morning in the form of a blog post by my friend The Redhead Riter entitled, "Qualities of a Good Mother." My favorite quality that she lists is: She nurtures herself so that she has the physical and mental ability to take care of the child. That is exactly what I am going to do because a healthy Teresha + a happy Teresha = a happy family. That's why after much hemming and hawing, I am going to the P!nk concert tonight (I won 2 tickets!). I will give a full report on the fun later!