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Dear Baby X or Y: Why Mommy Doesn't Prefer That You Are a Girl or Boy

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Dear Chocolate Chip:

Greetings, my beautiful unborn child! I felt it was time that mommy explain why we decided not to find out if you are a boy or girl ahead of your birthday. It's not that we don't care to know everything about you, it's just that we only care that you are healthy.

This planet is very hung up on things like gender and other means of classifying people like race, religion, and sexuality. Everywhere you turn some organization or agency wants you to check a hundred boxes identifying yourself as this or that for some bureaucratic purpose. It's all very tiresome, especially if you don't belong to a favorable group. In America, being born a girl means earning 75 cents on the dollar as a woman and having to decided whether to trade in on your feminine wiles to get ahead. It's even worse in some countries where females don't even get to be born or are sent to orphanages if they survive pregnancy. It's hard being a girl in this world.

But it's not always easier being the opposite sex in our society. If you are a boy you are expected to wear blue and play with trucks and roll around in the mud. My brother recently told me her would never give his son a doll if he asked for one. Rest assured that mommy and daddy are going to do their best to protect you from these "social norms." If you are a boy who wants to sport long hair or a girl who wants to wear polos, your parents will happily accommodate. I'm not the only one who is pushing back against gender identity constraints in case you think your mommy is some renegade, lone-wolf, nonconformist. There is "princess boy" Dyson whose parents let him dress up as female cartoon character for Halloween.Then there is that Canadian couple who refused to reveal their newborn's gender.

I promise your mommy and daddy won't take it that far. We will proudly present you as our son or daughter after you are born. But what we won't do is wish, hope, or pray one way or the other. After reading this article on gender disappointment, I was even more adamant that your sex remain a secret for the duration of my pregnancy. People are free to predict what you might be (I actually like playing the guessing game with folks) but when people ask me if I have a preference, I say no. I get all sorts of skeptical looks and remarks. Few people seem to think that it's possible for me to feel neutral about your sex. But the honest truth is that you are a win-win baby...boy or girl.

13 comments:

Mrs. Pancakes said...

this would be a hard one when i am having a baby...possibly because it will be my first one..i want to know in such a bad way. i like the idea of knowing him/her and calling the baby by name before he/she comes out! but i think it's also empowering not knowing and just hoping for a healthy baby regardless of which chromosome they call on! Can't wait to find out!

Candace said...

I had no choice with my 2nd child we got only one ultrasound and she was shy during it so we had to wait. We found out with my sons though. I like planning ahead and wish I could have had a cute baby girl room or baby girl baby shower but I still was so happy in the end to be surprised with a girl. I wouldn't have cared either way but I am glad.

Krissy said...

I like this! I feel the same way.

Praying for a healthy CC no matter the gender.

My baby girl like "boy toys" and she doesn't wear pink everyday. I love that she doesn't have to fit into any role and I let her choose what she wants.

Help! Mama Remote... said...

Such a sweet letter to chocolate chip. I wish I was there. I'm just to darn nosey. However, I'm grateful for whichever sex God gives me. Even when we went through the over 35 and they wanted to do all those test. I did the minimal becuase no matter what it was our child.

Katie said...

What a sweet letter. While I only cared if my child was happy and healthy we found out the sex of both of our kids and never was disappointed because we just didn't care. But I wanted to know just because. Although, I completely understand you wanting to not find out ahead of time and completely respect that. I am just not that patient! ;-)

bloggingwhilenursing said...

Very nice letter. I don't know if I can stop myself from asking. I would just want to know so that I can get the name idea going.

Who knows, maybe second time around I'll hold off on knowing the sex. But I agree with you, as long as they are healthy, that all that matters. It's a win either way!

Kelly Bejelly said...

I didn't find out the sex on my little guy also. A healthy vibrant baby was what we wanted (and got). What a wonderful post.

Kim said...

I loved finding out both pregnancies what I was having but not so I could plan colours - I didn't feel like organizing anything till the kids were about 4 months. I just loved knowing. But I hate gender profiling. My brother suffered his whole life. He never felt that his parents truly accepted him being gay. After his suicide a few of his really close friends confided in me that he often talked about this.

Mama to 4 said...

I like to know the sex of our children before they are born. It's exciting but I wouldn't go over the top about it either. We are trying for baby 5 and now with 3 boys and 1 girl and if we get pregnant again I am praying for a girl. Mostly for my daughter's sake. Thank you for sharing!

toi said...

Glad to read that I am not the only one who doesn't like the fact that "Everywhere you turn some organization or agency wants you to check a hundred boxes identifying yourself as this or that for some bureaucratic purpose." I don't like it one bit.

Lovely letter to baby X or Y :).

aliciaz said...

I love this! Thank you. Society is way too hung up on gender!

keyalus said...

I can sort of relate to the author of that article. There just weren't that many boys in my family so I was all Team Girl. To be honest, my whole family was kind of like "What are we going to do with a boy?" I was not disappointed in the ultrasound because I figured that because I wanted a girl, I'd get a boy!

Now, I find myself strongly on Team Boy because I like the idea of a matched set. I think they'll get along better and be closer in the future. That might be wrong but that's how I feel. Plus, I already have a bunch of boy clothes. A win!

I think part of the reason I don't want to know this time around is to avoid that small moment of disappointment. If I wait until delivery, I'll be so happy to have a healthy baby that I won't care.

Maureen said...

Yeah, the whole gender thing is just a big ol' head trip. You wouldn't believe the look Santa gave Dora when she said the only things he wanted for Christmas was a baseball bat.

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