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I am the spoon

Monday, February 4, 2013

spoon bending
Source: iguana_nirvana14 under Creative Commons License
I have been struggling lately. I have been struggling badly.

Everything is a fight. I fight to get out of bed. I fight get through the day. 

I also fight with my husband and 3 year-old. 

I decided enough was enough. I am exhausted from holding onto to this pain. Mostly, I am deathly afraid that I am damaging my kids with my depression and fits of anger. I decided it was time to face my demons. 

 I had my first therapy appointment on Sunday. It was a revelation. She is not a therapist from the school of psychology/psychiatry. She is a spiritual healer, which is a laymen term for allopathic practitioner. She works with the body's energy field to stimulate awareness and promote healing. 

My first session was incredible. I learned so much about why I feel so shitty. In a nutshell, having kids brought up all the negative feelings I had swept under a giant rug. When I gave birth to my children, I also pushed out these suppressed emotions. While this theory was not an epiphany, her approach to addressing my problems was refreshing. I felt understood, safe, un-judged.

I left feeling hopeful that I could reclaim my life. I also left with homework. I like homework because it forces me to practice what I am learning, and what I am learning is that the spoon does not bend, I have to bend. I am the spoon.

One of the assignments is to list 10 things I was to do for myself in the next month and try to do at least one of them each day. So, in an effort to hold myself accountable I am going to write them on my blog and you all can keep tabs on me:

  1. Finishing reading a book
  2. Go for a walk by myself at least once a week
  3. Brush and floss my teeth everyday
  4. Drink a cup of tea before bed
  5. Buy new clothes so I can discard my maternity clothes
  6. Apply for a job and not get disappointed if I'm not contacted for an interview 
  7. Plan a girlfriends getaway
  8. Get a Mani/Pedi
  9. Reinstate spa Friday
  10. Pray


Maureensk said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you have been battling depression. I got it bad after #4 was born. I started having panic attacks, which I hadn't even ever heard of. The first step to get better is seeking out help, so I'm really glad you have found someone that is proving to be helpful for you. I hope you find yourself feeling more like your old self soon. You have made a great and realistic list of things you can do for yourself!

Unknown said...

Wow, how did you decide to use this type of therapy. It is wonderful that you recognized your issues and sought to change things. Let us know how it is going.

Anonymous said...

girls weekend? you coming to LA!?

i do hope you're feeling better. depression is no joke and im glad you went to talk with someone about it

mail4rosey said...

I'm so happy to read that you've found a place you like. I wish you the very best on your journey to finding want you need.

Mama Up! said...

I wish that was my homework!

But really, I had no idea... I think it's a part of ourselves we're not super excited to share on something like a blog. But I'm glad you're sharing it now. I fight depression, too, and it's easy to start feeling like I'm alone. Posts like yours help me feel like I'm not.

Prayers coming your way - feel better soon!

Help! Mama Remote... said...

Hate that you've been feeling this way but I'm glad you are seeking help. Great list you made and I'm going to help hold you accountable. *hugs*

Help! Mama Remote... said...

Hate that you've been feeling this way but I'm glad you are seeking help. Great list you made and I'm going to help hold you accountable. *hugs*

Quiana said...

I'm sorry to hear about your struggle, but I'm glad you've found help - you're on your way I know. I agree with those little things you listed. Sometimes the smallest things you do can result in big change - the Kaizen way. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Kim said...

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through but I think you are not alone. Sadly nobody talks about it enough. I've never heard of an allopath - you'll have to keep us posted. Get on that list - it's really so important. I find working full time gives me some of that stuff even though it's work. I get dressed up everyday, I can have coffee breaks with other women etc. Hugs my friend.

KalleyC | bloggingwhilenursing said...

I am so sorry you are Fighting depression. This is seriously no joke. I am glad you are able to seek out help and help in the form that you are most comfortable with. People don't know, that after having kids, you can get depressed. Thank you for sharing your struggles with us.

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